What voters are left?
The Old woman demographic votes with their vaginas so that means Hillary.
The Young woman demographic votes with their old grandfather fixations so that means Bernie.
The Christian Fundamentalists demographic votes with anything with a Bible and a cross on it so that means Cruz.
The totally bland, inane, underachiever demographic votes have shifted from Jeb so that means Rubio.
And the totally frustrated and/or stupid and/or insane and/or lost and/or plain fucked-up demographic votes go Trump.
So what demographic votes are left for the only candidate that would provide you with a tofu chicken in every pot, an American made All Electric Mercedes-Benz in every garage with that garage attached to a 5000 square foot All Solar Ranch Style House with a hot tube, Olympic-size swimming pool with FREE Margaritas served at pool side?
Yes! A Tubularsock America would provide you and your family with this lifestyle but ONLY if you vote for TUBULARSOCK FOR PRESIDENT 2016.
IT REALLY IS UP TO YOU!
Now sure people always ask Tubularsock, “Just where would Tubularsock get this money to create this life style for ALL AMERICANS?”
It really is very simple.
Tubularsock would just stop blowing people up in the rest of the world and spend that money on AMERICA.
Without blowing people up, over time people would look at America and decide they too want this lifestyle and just start to copy it in their own countries. You don’t have to force people to do something if they want to do it!
Remember: “money” is made up and its value is just an agreement so lets all AGREE that it is worth what we want it to be worth for our needs and if we all agree then it is worth what we want.
So VOTE for a TUBULARSOCK AMERICA 2016 and be saved! Amen.
Tubularsock 
Jesse Ventura is considering running. You’d make a fine vice president!
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Tubularsock is second to NO ONE! The ONLY “vice” Tubularsock wants to be involved in is his own …….. in CASH! (small unmarked bills)
Thanks Lou.
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“Stop blowing people up” – are you crazy Tubular one? How on earth are you going to earn the electorate’s respect, you mad fool? I suggest that you compromise your ludicrously uncompromising stance – start, say, just one war a year, and downgrade the Merc to a Pedelec. How’s that?
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Hariod, Tubularsock does understand your concern and Tubularsock’s “mad foolism” but rest assured that Tubularsock knows what he is doing!
However your suggestion of “downgrading” to a Pedelec is in truth an upgrade. Thank you for your assistance in a policy shift for the Tubularsock Administration.
Just an inside note to you Hariod, Tubularsock has just returned from the Queens visit to Oakland, CA where we traded crumpet recipes. Tubularsock bets you didn’t even know she was out of town. Now you know how it feels to be an “insider”.
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You got my vote Sock, but if you drop out, I’m voting for Bernie…
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Welcome Phil again …….. A vote for Tubularsock is a vote for reason! Tubularsock can understand you liking Bernie but Tubularsock feels that if one wants an internal revolution that will bring the country down Trump’s the man. And as Jerry Rubin said, “then we could groove on the ruble”.
Peace bro.
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Now there’s a platform you can’t resist. You’re our only hope.
Leslie
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Leslie you are correct as usual, Tubularsock IS hope itself!
Thanks for your comment!
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I was just thinking, today, I need to ask the Tube what is up with his campaign!
If you can get the following done,
“So what demographic votes are left for the only candidate that would provide you with a tofu chicken in every pot, an American made All Electric Mercedes-Benz in every garage with that garage attached to a 5000 square foot All Solar Ranch Style House with a hot tube, Olympic-size swimming pool with FREE Margaritas served at pool side?”,
then I will reconsider the whole voting thingee over again and vote for the Tube in 2016.
But… if you win, and then do a Reagan, Bush1, Clinton, Bush 2 (Cheney admin), or Obomber on us, then we will all come to see you, if you get my drift? And you know us backwoods, inbred types from Ohio, and other farming states, when we get pissed, all heck breaks loose, or… we go out, get drunk and tip some cows. Either way, it won’t be pretty!
BTW, you can skip the electric car (especially them there Nazi models), just give me all the rest, including the FREE margaritas, I will take care of my own transpo, thank you! Oh, and one more thing, ain’t a big fan of tofu!
Okay, all together now,
Go Tube!
Tube, Tube, He’s our man, if Tube can’t do it, nobody can!
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sojourner, great minds are connected. Tubularsock read your thoughts. No, not all of them …… Tubularsock is not the NSA!
Tubularsock will NEVER betray the PEOPLE …….. Trust Me, Read my lips, I am not a crook!
Oh and by the way. Tubularsock always “tip” cows. Everyone needs a living wage!
There has be a policy change and the All Electric Mercedes-Benz has been changed to a Pedelec. This was due to foreign influence. But “all the rest, including the FREE margaritas” are still policy.
Oh and thank you for Tubularsock’s new campaign song! Excellent
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“Tip” cow.
I TIP my hat to you, on this one! Actually, I have never been close enough to a cow to tip it. And if I had tried, the poor cow would have probably fallen on me, breaking my boo boo or some such thing!
No problem on the song. We musikians do what we can to help!
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Oh, and just an editorial note: the title should read, “If the election WERE honest”, as you know!
I know the public is, for the most part, ignorant, and you were merely attempting to communicate at their low level, but you don’t want to lose the one-tenth of one-percent who can actually read, write and reason!
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“…the one-tenth of one-percent who can actually read, write and reason!”
Sojourner, And all this time, I thought you were a pessimist! BTW, maybe there is inbreeding in these parts, at that — I’ve never met a tofu I couldn’t leave on my plate. I draw the line at tipping cows though, it’s way too exciting for my simple tastes. But what the hell, let’s risk the tofu and support our best and brightest candidate anyway. – Linda
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That’s right, Linda, I’m always the eternal optimist. Truth be told, the correct percentage is most likely a negative one!
I was merely attempting to go along with the preconceived notions most Californians have about we Ohio folk. I know the Tube doesn’t hold to this kind of stereotyping of us Buckeyes!
Tofu as support for the Tube? Hmm…..
All right, I’ll do it! Bring on the tofu chicken! Just have some apple jack and a hot fudge sundae waiting to wash it down with!
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Good man, sojourner!
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Yes, for pity’s sake get your past subjunctives in order Tubular one! 😉
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Is that what it is? I just knew it ain’t right!;-)
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Hariod “past subjunctives” seem so ahhh, non-twitter.
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Well sojourner, Tubularsock thanks you for the correction. And the excuse for making the grammatical error so Tubularsock can cover the issue over.
Tubularsock has corrected WAS to WERE which only leads to LAY and LIE.
Bill indulged in political LAYS while Hillary indulges in the political LIES. If Hillary WERE the way Bill WAS she to would be LYING about the LAYS instead of LAYING down LIES.
After all of this grammatical profundity Tubularsock is going to LAY his computer aside and LIE down for a well deserved nap!
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I cannot believe you changed it!
“Bill indulged in political LAYS while Hillary indulges in the political LIES. If Hillary WERE the way Bill WAS she to would be LYING about the LAYS instead of LAYING down LIES.
After all of this grammatical profundity Tubularsock is going to LAY his computer aside and LIE down for a well deserved nap!”
Spot on Brilliant! This laid me out, and I ain’t lying!
You da man, Tube!
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Tubularsock, A few things jump out at me here … which sounds like a horror movie … and since we are discussing american politics, that’s fitting, I suppose. First, honest elections? In this country? You mean … an election in which any given candidate could win, just because they have integrity, good ideas, and offer sensible solutions for our problems? What a novel concept! How could we stand the suspense, the agony of truly not knowing who would prevail? We might even have to stay up all night, waiting for election returns. Worse than watching the Academy Awards or Olympics. And worse yet, how would the fat cats know which stocks to bet on? They always want a sure thing, as you know … risks are for the rest of us. I’m not sure even you could cope with such massive culture shock.
But other than that, I’m behind you all the way — 2016 is clearly the year for Tubularsock! And you know, I’m not greedy, I’ll be perfectly happy with organically-grown fair-trade coffee in my mug, and a small lap pool for my modest homestead. Thanks in advance! – Linda
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Tofu and now this, “Worse than watching the Academy Awards or Olympics.”
Linda, it must be the water in Ohio! You know, all that lead poisoning!
Along with tofu, I hate the Academy Awards and Olympics, as well!
I’d rather watch Hillary put her two faces on, or watch as Trump struggles to get his hair across the bald spot! Anything but “And the winner is…” or “It was a half-pike with a double twist!”
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sojourner are you aware that with “a half-pike with a double twist!”, “And the winner is” Tubularsock for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
Shit happens!
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That’s it! Wow, I’m standing here beside myself!
It’s like synchronicity, man! Ya know what I mean, ya see what I’m saying’?!
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Linda, Tubularsock does take exception to your not “tipping” cows but understands if you are on a fixed income.
However your support of Tubularsock even at the risk of tofu nibbling is admirable and Tubularsock thanks you. Frying tofu in bacon fat is most rewarding followed by a shot of Wild Turkey neat. Gang busters!
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Linda, yes a whore movie does come to Tubularsock’s mind as well, OH MY… horror movie, does come to mind as well but Tubularsock is up to the task at hand.
Thank you for your continued support and for supporting Tubularsock’s organically-grown fair-trade coffee policies. And for helping our nation with just a small lap pool.
Thank you for your timely comment.
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Tubularsock, Where people are concerned, I’m always a generous tipper – solidarity forever!
But if you really don’t know about cow-tipping, boy are you lucky, and I can’t begin to tell you! Beyond the fact that it’s really dumb. You may need to consult your go-to guy for all things buckeye on this one. Could be a sad example of states divided by a common language, give or take the odd dialectal marker.
And I won’t even mention the whole flaming-farts business, a shameful vice which I HOPE is confined to this primitive part of the country. It’s totally beneath your dignity as the only worthwhile candidate still (or ever!) in this election cycle.
And thanks for the bacon-fat suggestion, that will help. Not that you would ever support pork projects, we all know better — you’re our man! – Linda
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Linda it is not that Tubularsock hadn’t heard about “cow tipping” but Tubularsock had been around cows as a young Tubularsock and they are the size of a small pickup truck. Cows sometimes sleep standing up but not a deep sleep. To push a cow over ……. near impossible and very unlikely. At least the cows Tubularsock has known.
As for “lighting farts” ……. Tubularsock had friends in the Boy Scouts who showed Tubularsock how it was done. Boy Scouts were rather dumb fucks. Tubularsock refused to join the Boy Scouts who always reminded Tubularsock of Nazi Brown Shirts that Tubularsock saw on newsreels at Saturday matinees.
And yes, bacon fat via tofu seem counter to the counter vegan culture but sometimes, “a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down” as Mary sang so well ….. now where did Tubularsock put that umbrella?
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Vote early and vote often. Remembering of course to vote with your feet. A vote for Tubularsock is a vote against the rigged election process. Polls will open early for ‘super delegates’.
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“Vote early and vote often.” So true Don. But Tubularsock has no fear of “super delegates”!
Tubularsock has canvassed all the cemeteries in the United States and they are ALL DYING TO VOTE FOR TUBULARSOCK!
And if the “super delegates” don’t fall in line Tubularsock may have to call on THEIR cemetery-selves to obtain their votes.
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I was working at a national Native newspaper when Jesse Ventura was elected MN Gov. He was the protest vote like Trump – MN didn’t want another politician. (Ok, we get that) When the idiot Ventura said he wouldn’t meet with special interest groups (like the sovereign tribes in MN) I think it was then that many many MN voters knew they had made a shocking choice – an ill-informed choice – and ultimately a huge mistake.
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Well LT, you’ll not have to worry about Tubularsock’s support of the sovereign tribes influence on the Tubularsock Administration.
All former treaties will be renegotiated with truth and honesty. That should take about the first month of the Tubularsock Administration’s time.
It will be easier from then on because the country will be much, much smaller!
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I salute!
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I’m starting to think a write-in candidate might be best.
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Well remember Tubularsock starts with a T!
Thanks for your comment.
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TUBE:
Just In case you don’t know it, in some of his speeches Donald Trump has used the terms “motherfucker”, “shit”, “ass”, “fuck” and other obscenities. Bill Maher did a bit on this on his show last Friday. You are in danger of being “trumped” by Trump. He’s beginning to make you look like a Sunday School teacher. To avoid such a disaster I suggest you listen to the unadulterated versions of the Nixon tapes. There you will get enough new profanity combinations to ward off Trump..
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Thank you so much for your political insight, Michael. However “I am not a crook!”
Tubularsock is going to share an “insider-secret” with you and only you. So don’t
speak of this to anyone especially to others running in this election.
The following is written in invisible ink so only those who will take a match and place it under their computer screen and heat it up so these words will appear will be able to read the secret message:
The Tubularsock Presidential Campaign is based on the “Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” political principle and much of that follows the script of the 1968 Off-Broadway musical How to Steal an Election.
End of secret message, blow out your match.
So Michael, you may just want to sing along with Tubularsock and fuck all that fuckable-fuckness of fucking Donald Trump!
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You had me at free Margaritas! They will be served with free tacos, I assume?
I do hope you’ll consider Vermin Supreme as your VP tho….He’s promised me a free pony & I really think it’d be a kick to sip margaritas whilst riding down the road on a pony. And I’m in Alabama now so’s I can do that sort of redneckish thing without it being frowned upon. Not to mention it’s much more difficult to hack a pony for my personal info than it is to hack a spy car, er smart car. The pony can eat the free tofu so hey, it sounds like an all-around win!
Tubular and Vermin 2016!! WhooP!
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Welcome again MBW! Tubularsock is so glad you have wandered back in Tubularsock’s direction. And YES free tacos do come with the free pool-side Margaritas! Funny Tubularsock failed to mention that but when it comes to entitlement programs Tubularsock sees no end!
We all have put up for years and years and years the entitlement programs going to the rich to make them richer NOW it’s OUR turn!
And let Tubularsock say this about that, and that is Vermin Supreme as Tubularsock’s running mate. His name alone reminds one of every politician one has ever encountered, VERMIN (aka: pests, parasites; infestations; undesirables, lowlifes.)
So YES! Vermin Supreme will be highly considered for that position. Tubularsock has asked his Veters to vet VS to be sure he is clear of any “situations” he may have been involved in that would taint the hallow reputation of Tubularsock. His clothing style is impeccable and his ability with fairy dust is impressive so he is a most attractive running mate.
And of course, YOU MisBehavedWoman will get that pony!
So now that you have wandered into Alabama you may consider putting a campaign sign out in front of your redneckish shack in support of Tubularsock. What do you think?
And last but not least. If Michael Hastings had been riding a Tubularsock/Vermin Pony rather than that hackable 2013 Mercedes C250 coupe he would have been still alive today!
So Remember ……. The Force Is You, Lift Your Light Saber And Proceed!
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“Tippecanoe and Tyler Too” You hit home again, Tube. William Henry Harrison is a distant relative on my father’s side. And he was about as successful as my father and myself, in that he died of pneumonia just a few days after becoming president.
Yes sir, I was doomed at birth!
Oh, and by the way, you owe me for a new monitor!
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Obviously sojourner the match worked. In a Tubularsock Administration everyone takes responsibility for the OWN actions.
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Okay! I guess? Left holding the check again!
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Breaken’ Tubularsock’s heart!
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I knew this would get to you!
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“VERMIN (aka: pests, parasites; infestations; undesirables, lowlifes.)”
Have my heelbeelee relatives been pestering you agin? I declare, I done tol dem to stay away from you but they admire a man of yer caliber and statuesque physeek. Not to mention, you must got all yer teeth and dat is uncommon among that lot. I knows they was pestering you for some mo rebel flags to drape on their busted up pickup trucks. Never mind them, I gots me some needs. I needs some mo champagne for this here campaign. Can you deliva? LMAO!!!
Excellent post Tubularsock and the comments are just hilarious! I have been roaring with laughter and sent the deer scampering. You are too much!! In a GOOD way!
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Tubularsock does understand the appeal of a good, strong candidate with Tubularsock’s “. . . caliber and statuesque physeek”. And a good solid background in them bar huntin’ ways of those of south’rn girlz persuasion.
Ah yes, flags and trucks, flags and trucks ……. amen! Now that is what Tubularsock is talken’ bout!
But utmost in Tubularsock’s mind is YOUR needs, Shelby! Tubularsock has bottled up some of Tubularsock finest Champagne-Corn-Pone and is shipping it out to you this very day. And just be sure that on election day you’ll be just able to put that X next to Tubularsock’s name for President Of The United States and not get mixed up with the 3-X’s you use to sign your name at the polling station.
Thanks Shelby ………….
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“Champagne-Corn-Pone”? Are you trying to poison Shelby? Isn’t our drinking water bad enough?
I myself prefer champagne hooch, or as I’ve shared before, Boone’s Farm Apple! I love the taste of formaldehyde in the morning!
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Oh sure sojourner, champagne hooch or Boone’s Farm Apple YOU ARE SO MALE!
Tubularsock is talken’ HIGH STYLE Champagne-Corn-Pone! Organic with NO GMO corn, dude! And sold at only high end outlets like Foster-Freeze and Taco-Bell.
Your point about the water is on point however.
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ROTFLMAO!!!!!! How u no bout dem Xs and Os? Oh dat’s right, ya no I baint tawt tuh reed n rite guuud a’tall! I kaint beeleev dat u bin pootin muh beezness on da whirl wiiid web like dis! LMAO!!!
I’m gone suuu u!
But seriously, just with the foolishness we display on our blogs, we could turn Hollywood on its head with our shenanigans. Ain’t a goddamn thing on TV and at the movies as much fun as we get up too and that’s a fact!(So says the person who does not own or TV or go to the movies) LOL!!!
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“YOU ARE SO MALE!”
Jesus H., there’s no reason to insult me that way, is there? Hey, I’m firmly in touch with my feminine, and don’t you for-get-it!
Sorry, I didn’t realize you were talking about the excellent varieties of Organic/Non GMO Champagne-Corn-Pone one can find at any fine establishment, such as Foster-Freeze (whatever that is?), Taco-Bell or even Pup and Taco! Ah yes, Pup and Taco and Pass Gas, what California-Dreamin’ memories!
My bad! Won’t happen again, Mr President elect!
Yep, the water issue, in the Midwest, and other areas, is looking grim! For instance, after I do the wash, I can stand next to an x-ray and my clothes completely shield me!
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“Champagne-Corn-Pone”?
What Tubularsock meant was I’m ‘champagne porn prone’. LMAO!!! Thank you for catching that Sojourner because Tubularsock knows that Massa’s been trying to poison me for over 400 years and doing a damn fine job of it too especially seeing as how you is all in the know about that GMO shit we been ingesting in addition to poisoned water. Why we ain’t all glowing in the dark is beyond me. I guess that’s why no one seems unduly concerned about the fact of Fukushima because we’re all mutants by now, anyways! I ain’t bragging’, I’m just sayin’.
Thanks for having my back Sojourner! Tubularsock sneaks some underhanded punches in and I didn’t quite catch it ’cause I was too busy roaring with laughter at your comments!
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P.S. They sent us all a letter saying that we is drinking ‘radium’, more parts per billion than we is supposed to be drinking. They say that it is due to the runoff from all the farms in the area and we is on well water. So, bottom’s up! Flint, MI step aside, we here in Menacesnowta got some water problems AND how!!!
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No problem, Shelby! The Tube is a stinker, needless to say!
Wait, can I call a president elect a stinker?
I did, so I guess I still can. Wait, I thinks the secret service is at the door!
Cheap champagne always reminds me of Red Foxx: “Champipple” I had Ripple more than once, when I was a young musician and the booze was being passed around, along with some of that ‘BAD ASS WEED!”
I love it when the Tube posts! It gets my mind off of the shit for a while, even though the posts are always about the shit!
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“P.S. They sent us all a letter saying that we is drinking ‘radium’, more parts per billion than we is supposed to be drinking. They say that it is due to the runoff from all the farms in the area and we is on well water. So, bottom’s up! Flint, MI step aside, we here in Menacesnowta got some water problems AND how!!!”
I read an article the other day that stated this is happening all over the country. I know there is a small town north of me, in Ohio, that is having the same issues with lead as Flint.
And I read an article today, that said salmon in Puget Sound are not only filled with chemicals but drugs as well.
What a frigging mess this piece o shit is!
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Sojourner, that is why I posted to Talesfromthelou’s post that we is all just waiting to drop dead down here. This shithole is imploding, but the bottom ain’t completely dropped out yet and so we hang on by a mere thread and people have the nerve to wonder why so many people want to be spazzed on out drugs and alcohol, life is a bitch and then we die! What’s there to be excited about? And when you get older, it only gets worse! The goddamn aches and pains from just trying to get out of bed is enough to keep ya underneath the covers and if ya get in several vehicle smashups like I’ve been in, that only adds insult to injury.
Let me stop here because if I keep going, Tubularsock will have to sell you an ‘Anti-Suicide’ kit!
Hang in there Sojourner! Ooops! I mean, hang tough! Damn! I mean, sit tight!
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I hear you on the age issue. Four years away from seventy, and physically feeling like eighty. Ouch! And I do mean ouch;-)
Have you recovered from the car accidents. Or is this the pain associated with arthritis, which loves to attack every bone and joint we have ever injured?
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I am still going through Physical Therapy and Life Skills Renewal to help me learn how to do simple things that I used to take for granted before this most recent smashup. It’s been pretty slow going in the ‘recovery’ department. Apparently, ‘bionic’ parts have not arrived on the scene, such as what the ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ had. I don’t want those fake ass replacements that hinder progress more than help. I’ve heard too many bad things about knee replacements, hip replacements and the like. And I’m not trying to go down that road.
Thank you for asking, but I have yet to see ‘modern medicine’. SIGH! And yes, arthritis enters every part of the body that has been injured, so believe me, I am feeling OLD!
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I am sorry you are still going through this.
I, too, will not contend with knee replacement. I have osteo in both knees, back and hips.
But I will put up with the misery before I become a lab rat for the medical industry.
Where you live doesn’t help either. And it’s not much warmer here. Cold, damp weather is a killer, as I know you already know.
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Hold your horses Shelby and sojourner. WTF!
Shelby the problem is simple, to date you have not spent your money properly. YOU my friend need a FASTER car, say a Maserati. And at $76,000.00 it’s a steal! Now here is Tubularsock’s logic at work.
You have gotten in these car accidents that have fucked you up. You need just to drive faster and out run the pain.
Speed is where it’s at ……… get in ……… GOOOOOOOOOOO!
B. sojourner the problem is simple ……… embrace your feminine and free yourself from the bondage of age discrimination!
Gather your assets and follow a career in ‘champagne porn prone’. Shelby can show you the way. When she swings by in her new Maserati …… get in! and good luck!
Age is a construct, a belief system, a lie ………..
Now sure you both have thrown mud in Tubularsock’s direction, “Tubularsock sneaks some underhanded punches . . .” (Shelby) and “The Tube is a stinker, needless to say!”(sojourner) but Tubularsock will set his feelings aside and advise you both.
Get up. get out and together …….. blow something up! Don’t you see, that is why ISIS is so happy! JIHAD!
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First and foremost, Mr president to be, my get up and go just got up and went, and to where I have no idea. My age issues aren’t in my mind, they are in my arse and other areas of my putrid, disgusting body. Or let me put it this way, I have fallen, and I can’t get up! Or maybe this will help, a flashback to 1969,
“Gloom, despair and agony on me,
Deep, dark depression, excessive misery,
If it wer’nt for bad luck,
I’d have no luck at all,
Gloom, despair and agony on me.
WHOAAAAA!!!!!”
And “assets”? What’s an asset? According to my dear old dad, I had no assets the day I was born.
As I said, “Gloom, despair and agony on me.”
But other than that, life is a big, ripe, delicious peach!
I’ll let Shelby speak for herself, here.
And “stinker”, by the way, is very much a term of endearment!
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Well sojourner, Tubularsock can only say that with all the shit that has befallen you, you certainly are one feisty fellow!
Tubularsock hopes you continue to weave your way through your maladies and have some success at improving what you can. Peaches are good.
Tubularsock does enjoy our continued political banter and hope things turn for the better.
Perhaps you should remember that things could get worse because if Trump or Hillary or Cruz wins over Tubularsock we’ll be left in The Fiery Sea Of Hell with only wooden paddles! Joy to the world.
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Tube,
I like feisty! My x had another word for it! I enjoy the banter here as well! All of it. Shelby echoed something I have said before, we should take this side show on the road!
Thank you, my friend, for the concern. But what I shared above was a little overstated, or in other words, My reports of my demise have been a bit exaggerated.
Nope, I have it easy, in comparison to the multitudes who live in hell right now, because of Hillary and Cruz and their elite animal trainers!
As one gets older, he can fall into the same pattern as he remembers from his grandparents and parents as they got older. I hear myself talking with a friend, and I go, OMG, I sound like my grandfather complaining about his rheumatiz!
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