CHRISTMAS EMPLOYMENT 2013

Posted: December 11, 2013 in Christmas Jobs, Holiday jobs 2013, Infallbiility, Pope, Vatican
Tags: , , , ,

Tube heading thumbs down

Oh sure. The economy is in an upswing.

The job numbers show signs of improvement.

Sure they do ………..

Well everything’s a trick when it comes to government figures.

You see there are more people going back to work because the job numbers reflect the government workers, that were put on furlough during the shut-down, that are now back at work. Now, that’s sly.

And there is an influx of part time holiday workers that have gotten jobs to fight off the Black Friday onslaught so those jobs are counted in the job numbers.

And of course people that stop looking for work aren’t counted at all. But nobody counts them! There could be six people or five million but if nobody counts them then the numbers look better on that new employment graph.

Wow. Tubularsock has gotten off track again. All Tubularsock wanted to do was explain HIS process in getting a job over the Christmas part time employment spike.

And Tubularsock will admit right here that for many of you you really couldn’t do the job that Tubularsock has been hired to do because of Tubularsock’s stellar abilities.

Now, trust me. This is not bravado this is just the TRUTH as Tubularsock see it!

But what is important to you is that Tubularsock will lead you through the rough terrain of finding a job over the holiday season.

Now with the many jobs that are offered you’ll find that you are overqualified if you know how to read and write English and if you expect to be paid. I know that is discouraging but stay tough!

Now don’t sell out! Tubularsock went for what he was qualified to do and pushed forward even when the odds would appear totally against him. Staying true to your calling will land you the job you can do best. It worked for Tubularsock!

Now there was the “Three Wise Men” job. First, Tubularsock noted that that job would spread himself rather thin. Not to mention being only paid as one wise man doing three wise men’s work. Fuck that! And second, perhaps it would have been alright if it had been a “Three Yes Men” job but Tube said NO!

And of course the standard “Santa Gig” job. Now I ask you …….. really? A job where you dress up as a fat old man and let children sit in your lap for extended periods of time while they are screaming and tears running down their little faces …….. HO, HO, HO.

They just couldn’t pay Tube enough!

And then there was the “Baby in the Manger” job. A great job because you get to sleep for long periods of time. Much like the job in that cubical you had last year except a manger is a long low trough which is so much better to stretch out in. The only drawback is the persistent hymning of the neon halo. Tube turned it down in part because the neon halo ran interference with Tubularsock’s natural halo …….. you should be so lucky!

So things were looking pretty glum for Tubularsock in his quest for the perfect part time job during Christmas but then this poster appeared on a telephone pole near Tubularsock’s underground bunker:

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Now you have to admit as well as you know Tubularsock that he was a shoe-in for this job. Just his infallibility alone put him over the top! And yes, if you get a chance to visit the Vatican this Christmas Season

do drop by his offices for a visit and just ask for TubePope ……..  Dio e Tubularsock sono uno! Basta inviare contanti!

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Comments
  1. Bravo! Bravo! I think you’ve just about covered everything! But I must admit, I never expected to see you turn up as the ‘POPE’ of all people.

    They skew the jobs numbers to make them look any way they want them to look. Seriously? Who are they fucking kidding when there are millions of people who have simply given up even looking for a job that is nowhere to be found anyway and have either moved in with relatives or are living on the streets. The homeless statistics have shot up! Food shelves are reporting record numbers of people showing up in need of food and many of them are first-timers who have lost their job and cannot find another one. I cannot tell you how many times I have run across stories of people who have been looking for work for over 2 years and have put in countless applications. And yet, they try and shove that “we are doing so much better, economically speaking” bullshit down our throat and expect us to buy it???!!!! Puleeeezzz!!!

    Temp agencies are the new norm and you can bet your sweet ass that they’re not great paying jobs with benefits. Nowadays, companies don’t have to hire, just rent a person for a day, a week or a month and they get to do away with all those pesky little things like sick pay, vacation pay, health insurance, overtime and on and on it goes.

    So, how are they gonna spin it when the holidays are over and the temporary ‘Black Friday’ holiday madness shopping is over and done with, eh? Wait ’til January gets here when everything’s dead in the water and see what new shit they come up with!

    Excellent, by the way!!

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      Thank you for your excellent comment in the middle of Tubularsock’s crazy rant. I am always impressed with all the work you do for the homeless and the dedication regardless of the odds that you push forward. Very commendable and impressive!

      I understand your surprise at Tubularsock’s new Pope Job but you must realize it is only part time and if during my work here at the Vatican Tubularsock could cop a couple of the gold crosses maybe retirement will come sooner than later ….. in God’s name, amen.

      Like

      • You are a riot! And ‘AMEN’ to that!!!

        ..and thank you Tube for the lovely comment regarding my involvement with helping the homeless! Your commenting on it means a lot to me and again, I thank you! I have been out getting myself prepared to deal with the record low temperatures we are having with no letup in sight. We’ve got what we call, ‘the streetgang’ out at night combing the usual spots where the homeless sleep and finding shelter for them.

        I am quite sure that there is ample shelter at the Vatican! Guests should be quite welcome, I believe? Good to know! We’ll be right over!

        Like

      • tubularsock says:

        Tubularsock may be a riot but you Shelby are an angel. You know we could pack up the bin Laden family after 911 and fly them out of Dodge but we just don’t have the money to put to the homeless and addressing their problems.

        Yeah …… there is plenty of room here at the Vatican but they wouldn’t even let Christ in for an overnight. He might just get upset and kick over some of the money-changers!

        Like

  2. LMAO! Not even if he’s still in a ‘manger’?? I am literally rolling on the floor here!!

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  3. Oh, and Tube, did you forget? My ‘ice’ store is still in need of employees. Because of the hell bound ‘christians’ I cannot keep up with the demand for ice. So, when your little stint at the Vatican is finished, come on over and I’ll hook ya up!! This job is guaranteed for life and WITH benefits!! LOL!

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      Reverend Courtland, thanks. You are too kind. I’m hoping for the recognition in my new Vatican position that they’ll retain me past my part time Christmas stay.But I do admit that my ethics may be a little stern for the Vatican. Now that I know from first hand experience what is under all those robes.

      So peddling ice in hell could last a pretty long time and with benefits too! You’ll be hearing from me.

      Like

  4. Bill Kueppers says:

    Oh gosh, Tube, I thought you landed yourself a grand position as the new anti-Christ. Seem perfect for it by my lights . . . all the makings!

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      Bill, thank for your thoughts ……… yeah, it’s a pretty good gig. I admit I had to brush up on candle lighting and penis shaped hats but all in all I’m doing well with all the Cardinals. We’re just one happy conclave. If by chance you need a dispensation or something I’ve got a lot of part time authority and we are friends after all so just ask.

      As for the anti-Christ position its a New Testament concept and it’s really only going to be a problem for Tubularsock if Christ happens to pop down for his second curtain call while I’m holding my part time job ……. in that case Tubularsock may have to kick some butt!

      Like

  5. All the hype about jobs recovery is a blatant lie. The US begin shedding jobs in 2007 and the number of full time jobs just keeps dropping. At present the percent of Americans with full time jobs is equal to what it was in 1980 (33 years ago). Check this out: http://research.stlouisfed.org/fred2/series/EMRATIO

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      Thank you for taking the time to comment and provide data about the lie of job recovery. Tubularsock always felt that when they started to push that mantra of a “jobless recovery” that something was up and it wasn’t in my favor!

      Like

    • That percentage ratio is not looking like we’re in a ‘jobs recovery’, not at all. I hope they don’t seriously think that they’re pulling the wool over our eyes. For the love of ….!!!

      Like

  6. Oh my. Shelby’s right as always — this is a startling development somehow. Addressing you as ‘Your Holiness’ will take getting used to. And given your nom de pied, it suggests a secondary image, at least to me. But never mind.

    Well, I hope the work’s not too grueling. Of course, I could never pull it off — I’d looke like an idiot in the hat, and I’d have to ditch my crocs. I wonder if I could even stand all those church bells ringing nonstop … though it’s probably no worse than being a Salvation Army Santa, and it’s got to pay better. The grub may be okay too.

    Still, the whole thing’s deeply disturbing. Surely most of us realize unemployment is much worse than we’re told — along with about everything else we’re being told. But with all your wide-ranging interests and enterprises, who would guess that you of all people would need a holiday gig? Times must be truly grim. Feliciter! – Linda

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      Now, now Linda. Don’t feel badly. Many would look ridicules in a penis shaped hat on the top of their heads. May be one of the reasons why the job was only open to males. They will flash that thing every chance they get! So I’ve heard.

      And really one could wear Crocs or anything else or even nothing under these robes as many Cardinals do.

      The work is more grueling than I’d expected to tell the truth, which isn’t a major tenet of my position, but I’m getting on very well. Confessions are fun and playing hide and seek in the Catacombs …….. oh my how the time flies by.

      The “grub” as you disdainfully call it isn’t all that bad once you get used to the body and blood of Christ morning-noon-and-night! But I really don’t think about it much. A guy has to eat for Christ’s sake!

      Yes. This job “recovery” bull shit is rather depressing (check the link stuartbramhall provided to get the facts about that). It makes it all rather clear.

      As for Tubularsock’s part time position here it is rather surprising he had to take it at all but Reverend Courtland has dodged payment to the PR firm and spent a great deal with Vinnie helping you with Little Johnny. So what else could Tubularsock do.

      Thanks for you comment and rest assured the unemployment rate will be going up in 2014!

      Like

      • I think you look fantastic in that hat TubePope, your holiness. When are they painting you onto the Sistine Chapel???

        Maybe you can use your newly ordained powers to exorcise a few demons.

        “By the blood of Jesus Christ I banish you (enter your favorite evil possessed current or ex government officials… Dick Cheney perhaps) for all eternity.”

        Like

      • tubularsock says:

        Thank you Sherri for your insightful comment. I am pleased that with your incredible ability at quilting that you were impressed with TubePope’s Pope Hat. Really, it is pretty standard attire around the Vatican but I agree I do look rather debonair. That man-on-the-go kind of look.

        And yes to the Sistine Chapel ceiling idea. Tubularsock can see it now …….. I was thinking of TubePope’s hand reaching out stretched toward Adam.
        We could just blot out that guy with the beard maybe keep his body and just replace his head. No really, Tubularsock does it all the time, not to worry.

        And BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST I BANISH YOU DICK CHENEY FOR ALL ETERNITY PLUS A WEEK!

        Well, that’s done ……. I feel really good about it too.

        Like

      • Damn, Tubular- (I mean Your Holiness!) I’m so sorry you’ve had this … cash flow glitch … because of my little problems in any way. I truly had no idea. But you know, though I think the world of her, the good Reverend Courtland is still … a work in progress … where business ethics are concerned. I’m not totally sure all her treasures are laid up in the kingdom of heaven at this point; one suspects she may have quite a pile in some offshore accounts too. Well, we all have our little weaknesses. Still, she should be paying your PR fees and salary, you’re doing a tremendous job for her, polishing her slightly tarnished image and all. I think folks have already forgotten that little contretemps with a disgruntled church member not long ago. Nice work!

        But I’m also troubled by her newfound enthusiasm for the services of Uncle Vinnie and the boys. (He’s not technically my uncle, but there is a … family connection, though I don’t often mention it — family and business don’t always mix well, if you understand me.) Publicity is a great benefit for most businesses, but … not really in Vinnie’s line of work. And you know the Reverend, she’s almost incapable of keeping a low profile in anything she does. Which could cause some trouble for my ‘uncle’ — even in Chicago.

        I mean, our dear Reverend acts as if she can do just anything with impunity now. For her own good, we may need to have Uncle Vinnie offer some wise counsel and encouragement, reminding her to do the right thing by her flock, and by her employees. If only to avoid the wrath of the IRS. (And only my uncle would have a snowball’s chance of surviving such an intervention, I suspect!)

        I do hope the Vatican job works out well for you. Actually, couldn’t they use a good PR firm themselves these days, with the banking scandal, the child abuse problems and all? Seems like you’d be a godsend for them, so to speak. – Linda

        Like

      • tubularsock says:

        Yes Linda you have been unworthy for all the evil that you have thrust on poor little ol’ Tubularsock. Shame! But TubePope forgives you my child.
        Just do …….. 666 hell-with-Mary ……… and call me in the morning.

        And yes, Reverend Courtland IS A WORK IN PROGRESS indeed!

        And you all have your weaknesses out there in people land and Your Holiness TubePope will talk with The-big-guy-in-the-sky next week. We’re doing lunch and I’ll get some dispensations and pass them out for a small tithe in unmarked cash. (It’s nice doing business with you, Linda.)

        Don’t you concern yourself with Vinnie. I hadn’t realized you two were related but it does explain the concrete crocs he sending you for Christmas, I sure wouldn’t want to get in the way of that!

        I’m sure the Vatican part time Pope job will work into something more permeant around the first of the year. A PR gig with the Vatican isn’t such a far fetched idea. Maybe I’ll suggest a boy’s choir to help ease the Cardinals tensions. What do you think?

        Like

      • “Reverend Courtland has dodged payment to the PR firm and spent a great deal with Vinnie helping you with Little Johnny.”

        If I have told you once, I have told you a million times, the check is IN the mail!! Trust me!!! Would the ‘good’ Reverend ‘stiff’ you????!!! Just because I had to leave in a great hurry during lunch, does not mean that I intend to skip out on paying for your PR firm services. I was looking out the window and spotted a member of my congregation and went out to assist. As you know, the ‘good’ Reverend’s work is never done. You should be ashamed of yourself for doubting the good intentions of the Reverend. I am going to have to sermonize about you! LOL!!!

        Like

  7. MisBehaved Woman says:

    Oh me, oh my…I am devastated to learn that I am an Uncounted Person! Perhaps if I get a job as a reindeer pooper-scooper I could be important enough to Count..? If I offer up a sock-monkey sacrifice on the altar of the new Pope, maybe he could hook me up with a job? 😀

    Supposedly my region has been immune to the depression we aren’t in… totally believable. I’m sure that all of those homeless folks are living in that tent city in the middle of our city just for fun and none of it has anything to do with lack of jobs.

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      “Oh me, oh my” is so true MisBehaved Woman but all is not lost! YES! a sock-monkey sacrifice on the alter of the NEW PART TIME Pope and a stack of cash will go a long way in placing you in a new job. Please send cash payment in small unmarked bills to:
      The Offices of the Vatican
      Att: TubePope
      #1 Religious Lane
      Vatican,Vatican 000666

      After this cash donation you will no longer be an “Uncounted Person”!
      In fact, TubePope will count you with ever future cash donation.
      Saints by praised as well as TubePope.

      And don’t you worry your “pretty-little-head”** about those folks downtown.
      TubePope will pray for them and remember a job isn’t everything when you get to go camping in the snow!

      ** We will discuss the lesser sex another time …. A-men.

      Like

    • “I’m sure that all of those homeless folks are living in that tent city in the middle of our city just for fun and none of it has anything to do with lack of jobs.”

      I told Tube, on another post, that the homeless statistics had increased due to the inability of people to find a job after having tried for years and with the expiration of benefits or the lack of ability to obtain enough benefits and there they go, living on the streets. Something just has to change. Things should not be allowed to continue in this vein. We are not in a recession, just as you say, it is a depression and I have been calling it a depression even before the economists starting calling it the ‘Great Recession’. They can play word games until the cows come home, but the sad fact is that the jobs are gone and they are not coming back. The cowards in Washington could give a rat’s ass about the vast majority of Americans and their woes because it is not impacting them in an adverse way. As I’ve stated many times before, America is the new Titanic and she’s sinking fast and there are NO life preservers or life boats to be found. Sad state of affairs, indeed!

      Like

      • MisBehaved Woman says:

        I recently watched a documentary….”Buying China”, I think was the name. It was a great bit of back-history on how it is that we lost/gave up/sold out all of our jobs here in the states, the impact of China’s monetary games, etc. From what I could tell, you are absolutely right in that those jobs are not ever going to come back to the states. There isn’t going to be any great job-boom to save our asses but if lawbreakers, er, lawMAKERS, acknowledge that little factoid they might lose votes and worse…lobbyists’ funding. We all know THAT just won’t happen so the BS is going to keep on a streamin’ out of their mouths. “No recession, no depression, no wars…no worries!”

        I’m not sure that our sinking isn’t entirely intentional. What goes up must come down and ‘Murica has had a good long run Up on Top of the world. It seems like we are being deliberately brought down and if that is true, I’m not sure that any amount of protesting/voting, etc., etc., is going to help us any. That pretty much only leaves a limited choice of action for now – either help one another WITHOUT any expectation of help from The State – or thrashing around, drowning alone in the dark.

        Like

      • tubularsock says:

        Yep. Helping one another is the only way it has ever been done really. Even in good times during a major humanitarian catastrophe within the U.S. by the time the government gets their shit together the local people realize their only hope is teaming up together. Most catastrophes bring out the greatness in people but never in government. Government comes in to “help” rebuild with the venture capitalists working for fast profit rather than community building. You are correct MisBehaved, our sinking is entirely intentional as Naomi Klein warned in The Shock Doctrine. Thanks for your insights.

        Like

      • Misbehaved, you are right! Protesting is not going to help. Now is the time for us to pitch in and try and help one another. Kinda like the poor helping the poor thing at Wal-Mart recently with the employees setting up donation boxes to help their fellow employees enjoy a holiday meal while Wal-Mart rakes in billions in profits. I, too believe that the sinking of this ship called, America was a deliberate sinking. The ‘lawbreakers’ are even now attempting to gut more social programs designed to keep those who are sinking, afloat. It seems they’ll not be satisfied until we are all in homeless tent cities from one end of this nation to the other. Who would have thought that homeless tent cities that would rival a refugee camp would be the new norm in ‘America’? And yet, that is exactly what IS becoming the new norm.

        Like

  8. Concrete crocs? You’re not just teasing me, getting my hopes up? No. Even a temporary pope wouldn’t be so cruel.

    Wow, I can’t believe Uncle Vinnie remembered the crocs garden planters I’ve been wanting! He is such a sweetheart, I don’t understand how he got his vicious reputation. I won’t tell him you spoiled the surprise, he’d be so disappointed. I really owe him now, especially after all the grief that despicable little Johnny has caused him.

    And I know, I know, I owe you as well, Your Holiness. Sigh. Sometimes it feels as if I just can’t win! After I found that huge bag of money last week, I thought my financial troubles were over. But by the time I pay Vinnie’s fees, even with the family discount, and my back tithes/penalties/interest to the Reverend, I’m wondering if I’ll even have enough to get me through the winter. I may have to take that Fukushima job after all. Bummer.

    But I know what’s right, and I’ll do all I can to make up for the trouble I’ve unwittingly caused you. I’m not broke yet, and there will be something extra in the box of christmas cookies I’m sending you. What’s your favorite, chocolate chip, gingersnaps, or butter-pecan? (Couldn’t send you my special devil’s food cookies, of course!) I’d wish you ‘happy holidays’ but … I think you’ll have to work on xmas. Maybe you guys need a union. – Linda

    P.S. A boys choir? It’s an idea but I’m … just not sure it’s exactly the thing.

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      Funny you mentioned the boys choir in your “P.S.”. The Cardinals got all excited when I suggested the idea and they felt it was “exactly the thing”.
      They said it would be so soothing. Linda have you even seen an “excited” Cardinal? Well, trust Tubularsock you really don’t want to! They’re so predictable.

      Like

  9. Linda! I just got back from the Cayman Islands. I was doing some community outreach, the usual; saving souls, blessings bestowed. I am so popular there and they just keep asking me to return and it gives me a wonderful opportunity to preach the good word to people who hang onto my every word as though it’s gold being shoved down their throat. The ‘good’ Reverend is needed all over the globe. I put myself out on numerous occasions to spread the word, the truth and the light.

    I’m heading to the Vatican next. The Pope wants to meet with me, so I expect that I’ll see Tube and I will certainly bring you something back, a special gift from the Pope. Tube is getting you crocs, so I am going to think of something else that you might like. I’ll surprise you. Oh, and your Uncle Vinnie and I are becoming quite close. Just don’t be surprised when next you see us at the family reunion together, feeding each other strawberries dipped in chocolate. LMAO!!!!

    Like

  10. Oh lard help us all! Life is just getting way too weird! Not sure I’m ready to have … an Aunt Shelby. Even though she’d sure liven up our family picnics!

    Forgive me, Tubularsock, for I have sinned. And I’m beginning to believe … that hell is real. – Linda

    Like

    • Linda, hell sure is real because my ‘ice’ business is booming! Those ‘christian’ hypocrites know where they’re headed. And don’t you worry, my flirtations never last long as I am secretly engaged to Brother Thlug. SHHHHHH! Don’t tell the congregation that, we’re trying to keep it on the down low until we know for sure that that little incident at my palace has blown over. Can’t have them doubting Brother Thlug’s reasons for backing me up. They’d think he simply lied due to the fact of our engagement. So many irons in the fire, my head is all-a-twirl.

      Not to mention, that I am hurt and appalled that TubePope is disparaging my ‘good’ name by claiming that I have not paid his PR firm for services rendered. I am taking him to court as I have proof from the Post Office(I went in disguised as a nun so as not to be recognized)that he signed for the package containing a check. What I think happened is that one of Tube’s employees signed for it and saw that it was from Vinnie’s Concrete Shoes and Pizza Company on the South Side of Chicago and immediately thought that it contained a ‘bomb’ and got rid of it(your uncle’s business is just THAT popular! However, be that as it may, Tube will receive notification from the court system that his appearance in court is a matter of necessity as he is being sued for libel and slander. He will learn not to character assassinate ME!!! He will not be able to hide from me at the Vatican. If I have to glance underneath every robe I pass, I’ll just have to try and contain my maidenly blushes and get on with it, but I’ll find him, never doubt it!!

      “Tube, I’m looking for you!! Stop hiding behind those robes and come out and get your court summons! Look lively!”

      Like

  11. […] know there’s that awesome post and comment thread I’ve wanted to get back to over on Tubular’s blog but after 3 times of trying to rejoin the convo only to get interrupted and lose my thoughts every, […]

    Like

    • tubularsock says:

      …….. now we have these interrupted thoughts floating about with nothing to attach themselves to and aimlessly searching for meaning ……. that is too sad!

      But thanks for sending out your plea so Tubularsock can form a search party and help locate the lost thoughts and bring them back alive. It’s the least he can do because a thought without a cause is like a rebel without a cause …… hey, that could make a great movie! Thanks MisBehaved Woman.

      Like

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