Archive for the ‘General Keith Alexander’ Category

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WINNING HEARTS

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From a series of informed sources who are not authorized to speak on this issue but have nothing else to do today in the bloated government bureaucracy has presented an outline of the influence of the new Secretary Of The Inferior on the Obama Administration.*

The Tubularsock News Team has also sent our stealth photographer into the mix and has documented photographic evidence of all the rumor and innuendo.

As we like to say at the Tubularsock News Team break-room, “If a picture is worth a thousand words then this story is worth ten thousand words!”

Rather than be accused of conflict of interest we have turned our investigative journalism over to the tabloid, The New York Toast.

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From the very beginning fear in the Administration was palpable. Could a “commoner” be able to bond with the elite?

Well, our inside sources all concurred that the new Secretary Of The Inferior fit like a hand in a glove.

Lunch

The new Secretary Of The Inferior was asked by the press how he felt to be at the left hand of The President of the United States and he clearly stated, “no, the steak tartare please”.

The more comfortable the Secretary Of The Inferior became the more cautious distrust  appeared within the West Wing. In fact, down right suspiciousness of his intentions were felt and cloaked in plutocratic innuendo.

This type of approach to an obvious “outsider” was lost on the Secretary who felt that they liked him. But he started to isolate himself in the President’s office.

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That suspicious attitude became more prevalent within the President himself.

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However the Secretary Of The Inferior and Michelle became more ……..

Say ………… ahh, shall we say “friendly”?

Not being sure of the Secretary Of The Inferior’s intentions Obama started to take him with him whenever he traveled.

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Plane Wave

And then one day the President and the Secretary Of The Inferior were scheduled to fly to the Asian Conference in Kuala Lumpur.

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Stolen

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Now in any Presidential Administration lots of stuff gets stolen. Paper clips, ball point pens, computers, ground-keeper tools, ballistic missiles, large sums of cash, larger sums of cash, cash of larger sums than that and one’s integrity.

The biggest surprise is that anyone noticed.

Immediately Congress formed two committees, one in the House and one in the Senate. Each committee member and staff took it upon themselves to fly to Kuala Lumpur to see where Air Force One should have landed if it hadn’t been stolen.

It was verified that there was NO, they repeated NO, Air Force One on any golf course in Kuala Lumpur.

Senator John McCain was unable to say, “The terrorist have been part of this Obama Administration for some time and the Ukrainian people need all ….. no, I mean Palestine has to be considered ….. no, I mean  …”

The CIA, NSA, DIA, NGA, NRO, AFISRA, MI, MCIA, ONI, OICI, I&A, CGI, FB/NSB, DEA/ONSI, INR, and the TFI were all called into service but many of them were out of the office so a message was left with their respective receptionists. **

All of these agencies work separately and together to conduct intelligence activities and are under the I.C. which is headed by the DNI, who reports to the President.**

The FBI, DOS, DSS, IRS-CID, TIGTA, USMP, DOD, DCIS, CID, OSI, NCIS, DOJ, ATF, USDI, USDA, DOC, HHS, DHS, USCG, FPS, CGPD, CBP, ICE, USSS, SPS,USCP, USPIS were also all put on the case. **

It appears that the USPIS (United States Postal Inspection Service) may have not been necessary however Senator Diane Feinstein insisted that it was not because her husband was well invested in post offices that the agency must play a role. It was because of “. . . her keen concern to protect every woman and child of this great land”.

As Senator Feinstein did not say, “That plane could have been easily packed up in a pre-postage-paid-priority-mail-express-package and shipped to the Russians for all we know!”

As a result over seventeen million dollars will be allocated to throughly inspect ALL the P.O.Boxes in every post office within the United States.

Representative Robert Fuckoff (R) Ohio demanded that for national security concerns he would pursue drafting a bill to create an inspection team to investigate all “general delivery” windows of every post office in the United States.

During an impromptu stop over at the employee’s break room at Postal Inspection, Inc. Rep. Fuckoff stated, “This twenty-seven million dollar allocation bill will ensure that inspections would be conducted on all “general delivery” locations. What better way is there to protect our citizens from terrorists who want to harm our home-land?” 

When the maimed-stream media asked about the rumor that his family was involved in Postal Inspection, Inc. Representative Fuckoff stated, “Those accusations have been made before!” 

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A Special Blue Ribbon Committee was appointed immediately if not sooner by the President to “investigate the disappearance of Air Force One and The Secretary Of The Inferior” and to report back to him. The President insisted that the Committee’s work would be totally transparent and would be held in secret for national security reasons.

The maimed-stream media didn’t pursue the definition of transparent assuming the President is a Constitutional Scholar and knew the definition better than they.

Congress announced that it will immediately take up the issue of funding the Special Blue Ribbon Committee as soon as they return from their inter-session break and before their fall break. This leaves “. . . a corridor of six full hours” stated Senator DipStick (D) from Louisiana. 

Conspiracy

First there were the sightings.

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(UPI) “They were ALL there”, said Jimmy Insano from DelRio, Texas. “Right out in front of the Dairy Queen! Elvis, bin Laden, Kennedy and the Secretary Of The Inferior!

“I didn’t see no plane or anything like that …… but I didn’t go in the Dairy Queen. Sure, it could have been in there.”

 The heat in DelRio at times reaches 135 degrees in the shade.

(The Sun, UK) “The chances of Air Force One being snatched from the sky by an alien space craft isn’t as far fetched as it may appear” says Jay Jay Johnson. “There have been sightings recently as far away as Denver”, he continued. “Space IS the final frontier, you know, and if and I’m saying IF, The Secretary Of The Inferior had been sent with a message to give to extraterrestrials, then why not?” Jay Jay Johnson concluded.

(New York Times) It was reported today that the Malaysian Government was asked by President Obama to assist in the tracking of the missing Air Force One. Critics say this new development has created perhaps a “hint” that the President isn’t sincere about finding the Secretary Of The Inferior.

President Obama’s new Press Secretary Josh Earnest, stated at todays news briefing that “. . . he was earnest that the President was earnest about the search for Air Force One as well as The Secretary Of The Inferior”.

This confused the White House Press Corp because they thought the President was not Earnest because Josh Earnest was Earnest. And Josh Earnest stated that he was earnest and the President was earnest as well. The White House Press Corp reiterated that Earnest was Earnest and Earnest was not Obama.

After forty-five minutes the Earnest – earnest conundrum was tabled until a later date.

(FOX News) Donald Rumsfeld was asked to comment on the incident and stated: “we know, there are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

And he continued, “The missing Secretary Of The Inferior is the ultimate in unknown unknowns, if you ask me.”

And of course, Dick Cheney was asked for comments on this new international mystery but was unable to make it to the interview because he had “left his heart in San Francisco” and hadn’t noticed until his flight was over Wisconsin. Which at that point had to turn his flight back to the West Coast.

 

 

 

Mystery

 

 

 

footnotes:

* To catch up with The Secretary Of The Inferior refer back to: blog post, NEW EMPLOYMENT, NEW ECONOMY.

** Those are all investigating agencies of the United States Government. Tubularsock doesn’t have time to make that much shit up!

All photographs may look like they have been altered in some way. They have NOT! However they are a different angle from the original photo.

Photography is in the eye of the beholder.

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Tubularsock was ask by the blog site Deconstructing Myths to contribute an article to their Mic check guest blogger series.

The opportunity is simple: To open information up to a broader audience than Tubularsock presently has and to present that information within a forum of enlightened and creative people .

 Deconstructing Myths is the creation of Jeff Nguyen, a multi-talented  fellow with the stated goal of  “. . . shed[ing] light on some of the important issues of our time.” And to find “collective solutions” to the problems found in our world today.

But the largest focus of Jeff’s work to is “. . . to deconstruct the myths many of us have been raised on through the powerful influence of the media and teachings of the dominant culture.”

That works for Tubularsock!

 

So the bottom line is simple …………. to read this Tubularsock blog post you too will have to travel to:          http://deconstructingmyths.com/

 

And I want to thank Jeff for this great opportunity ………… I am sure all of you will agree, “Tubularsock needs all the help he can get!”

 

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A Poppy for . .

 

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WADER’S CONFERENCE 2014

Many don’t realize just how influential Tubularsock actually happens to be in Washington, D.C.

At the current Wader’s Conference 2014 at the White House Tubularsock was lecturing the First Lady Michelle Obama on just how her current husband, the President of the United States has completely lost the ability to recognize BULL SHIT. Both his own which he is obliviously stepping in all the time and that of the Director of the NSA, General Keith Alexander and the that of the Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper.

 As both Alexander’s and Clapper’s wives have been reported as saying, as reported by a staff member who was not authorized to speak on bull shit, “Our husbands spit out more BULL SHIT from their mouths on any given day than a bull with diarrhea.”

Wow. Now just how can Tubularsock get such information from their wives ….. hey just trust Tube! I only collect Metadata. No really!

So President Obama still insists that NASA’s collecting every phone call, email, tweet, and everything else on every America is only done to protect us all from the massive terrorist threat that is US!

And this information collected will ONLY be used to stop the terrorist except for the twelve known incidents called LOVEINT a flippant term used to describe NSA analysts who misused their surveillance powers to spy on romantic interests instead of terrorists.

 But hey, NSA is only collecting metadata right?

Well some NSA analysts were busy focusing on a little more than meta! One analyst was spying on nine women over five years, a woman analyst was spying on prospective boyfriends, another analyst was checking on whether his girlfriend was “involved with any government officials”, and another woman analyst was spying on her husband to see if he was cheating on her. Do you get the picture? Tubularsock just doesn’t have time to make this shit up!

Metadata my ass!

A favorite photo Tubularsock took as he and Michelle and the President landed in the Rose Garden this weekend.

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THE LIE IN THE “TRUTH”: OBOMBER ON SYRIA

You know, Tubularsock wasn’t going to bother listening to Obomber’s speech Tuesday night because when it comes to Black Jive I prefer public transportation.

But I found myself tuning in to NPR radio for coverage because I am interested in Presidential-Spin no matter what party is running it. And I wasn’t disappointed.

Two things:

  1. The next time Congress wants to cut NPR’s governmental funding ……. I vote YES!

The commentators are in the BIG SLEEP and are piss poor at political coverage with any insight ………. they are very good at status quo! Depressing. Are they affiliated with FOX NEWS now? I guess it is no surprise, Tubularsock wants to go to the White House Press Corps Dinner too! Gosh, with a black tie and a suit prancing around! Could it get any better than that as a “journalist”?

       2.  There was not ONE, count them ………. NOT ONE point of PROOF that the Assad Government was the one that used Chemical Weapons. Not even a little one. No, Obomber assumed that Assad was guilty without a shred of evidence provided and NO ONE QUESTIONED HIS PREMISE. Even those that were against the action accepted the premise. Disgusting!

Yes, and children frothing at the mouth and the EXCEPTIONALISM of Americans with the ol’ God Bless America conclusion and Tubularsock almost got out his flag to wave next 4th of July with bombs bursting in air.

But the only way that Tubularsock can express this fallacious argument that Obomber is pushing is by this example and maybe those who themselves are in the deep sleep will get just a glimmer of understanding of the Obomber Logic of lie-in-the-”truth”. And perhaps better understand how this entire position was created. So Tubularsock will attempt this Herculean feat with a little allegory.

THE STORY: (all names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Let’s say that Barbrick Insomnia started to have suspicions that Michshella (his wife) was cheating on him. So he asks John Fury to follow Michshella and substantiates what Barbrick KNOWS is happening.

 

John Fury follows Michshella and she goes to MAIN STREET. Nothing seems to be out of the ordinary and he reports back to Barbrick.

 

Barbrick Insomnia KNOWS that John Fury must be incorrect and tells him to check again. And follow up on this sighting of Michshella on MAIN STREET.

 

Barbrick then calls his good friend at the N_A (redacted) General Fumbleson and asks him to checkout MAIN STREET and report back to him.

 

Within minutes of Barbrick’s call to General Fumbleson of the N_A (redacted) and not just minutes AFTER Barbrick hung up the phone BUT just minutes BEFORE he dialed the phone the N_A (redacted) knew the nature of the incoming call and had prepared a full dossier on MAIN STREET.

 

John Fury returns to Barbrick’s office and reports that once again Michshella was seen on MAIN STREET and there was nothing out of the ordinary that occurred.

 

Barbrick was so furious that John Fury was taken aback.

 

The phone rings, not the RED phone but the RED, WHITE, and BLUE phone, and Barbrick knew that the N_A (redacted) was calling with the “known-knowns”!

Note: This following information was given to Tubularsock by a “highly placed government official in the Administration, who is just Biden his time, and is not authorized to speak to the press on this issue.

General Fumbleson from the N_A (redacted) reported that “a foreign person of interest” by the name of ISSAID was on MAIN STREET exactly the same time that Michshella was on MAIN STREET.

 

It was further disclosed that even though ISSAID was on EAST MAIN STREET and Michshella was on WEST MAIN STREET the link of MAIN STREET indicates that all the signs are present that Michshella and ISSAID were having an affair.

 

Barbrick was convinced but John Fury felt that as an adviser he must ask at least one probing question. Which was, “Is there concrete proof? Proof beyond a shadow of a doubt?”

 

General Fumbleson of the N_A (redacted), now on encrypted speaker phone answered,

“Ghrgte fbfgru gkdjdhey nbh jghdtsiwoy kgghff fhdjur!”

Note: Tubularsock has gotten from a well placed N_A (redacted) official that is not authorized to speak to the press on this issue but can verify that this top secret speaker phone encrypted answer is totally the proof needed and can not be told to the public in order to protect them. A relief, for Tubularsock to be told the TRUTH.

Barbrick and John both nodded their collective heads in the affirmative.

 

Both men agreed that action at this time may not be optimum politically due to the fact that it may look bad for Barbrick Insomnia to expose Michshella while she was in the middle of the Saving-American-Children-From-Being-Fat Campaign.

 

“In due time”, Barbrick said aloud as he lit his cigarette. “In due time”, echoed John Fury.

TO BE CONTINUED ………..

So remember: There was not ONE point of PROOF that the Assad Government was the one that used Chemical Weapons. Not even a little one.  Obomber ASSUMED that Assad was guilty without a shred of evidence provided and NO ONE QUESTIONED HIS PREMISE.

A premise without facts to prove it correct is called A GUESS. And to push A GUESS as the truth is a LIE. How many people do you feel should die for a lie?

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The wonderful thing about Congress is the fact that they are ALWAYS so …… well, on it.

Now after sitting on their, ahh …… brains, they are all activated over the NSA and the fact that the NSA will not release any information to Congress. Well it is all top secret, after all. Obummer tries to calm Tubularsock’s fears by telling me that I’m all safe and snugly because in our “check and balance system” Congress has oversight over what the NSA is doing and all is just working the way we were taught in 8th Grade civics.

But let Tubularsock give it to you in Obummer’s own words …….. “These programs are subject to congressional oversight and congressional reauthorization and congressional debate. And if there are members of Congress who feel differently, then they should speak up.”

So Congress rushed the doors of knowledge to find out the FACTS so they could do their oversight, reauthorization, and debate. Ok, they’ll do that right after they get back from their three week break. No really, this is an important issue about freedom vs a police state so as soon as they get back …………

As Congress rushed off they did say breathlessly that these NSA programs were such revelations to them all. Nobody ever told them (The programs are all top secret, after all.) how massive and invasive these programs were meant to be! Wow, total surprise, total surprise!

Tubularsock figures Google searches don’t work in Washington, D.C. for some reason. And simple logic and common sense seems in short supply as well.

NSA asks and receives a ZILLION dollars from Congress to run their secret programs and Congress is then surprised that all this spying is happening. What in the hell did the members of Congress think that that billion dollar file storage unit in Utah was going to be used for a Mormon dance hall?

So if Congress is so surprised about the NSA why did they all condemn Snowden for giving them the information that the NSA won’t give them? Maybe they should be giving him a fucking medal for doing something that Congress doesn’t have the power or ability to do.

Now when the members of the House spoke up as Obummer requested and attempted to remove funding to the NSA and stop the spying on all Americans it was the Republicans who made a stand and supported Obummer along with the Democratic Party’s leadership with Nancy Pelosi in the lead and voted it down.

But what is significant to anyone who is paying attention is that Nancy supported the NSA under Bush as well but acted like she didn’t. So did many of the Democratic Party leadership.

So Nancy Pelosi and 82 Democrats stood shoulder to shoulder with Michele Bachmann, John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Peter King, Steny Hoyer and 129 Republicans to keep supporting the NSA spying on all Americans. Now that is bi-partisan collaboration if I’ve ever seen it. Who says the two parties can’t work together to keep the American public enslaved!

THE NSA TWINS

But the vote was close because 111 Democrats and 94 Republicans voted against oppression. Now can they keep that up and shift the tide from a police state mentality to an open society without government spying on the citizens? Stay tuned.

Now to pull off this round of spy control Obummer had to pull out all stops and rush the NSA top guns into the House to scare the members into THE FEAR OF THE TERRORISTS! (a la Bush & Cheney)

And to punch it up a notch the closing of all the embassies in the Middle East all of a sudden because of the EXCELLENT work of the NSA had just done in exposing the increase in “chatter” between the major players of Al Qaeda. Wow, and what perfect timing.

Interesting question: How many American citizen’s phone, emails, Facebook entries, Twitter statements, internet posts had anything to do with Al Qaeda “chatter” in the Middle East? 

But the fear of THE TERRORISTS is never complete without the reminder that THE HOMELAND is in constant danger.

Rep. Michael McCaul a Texan Republican and Chairman of the House Committee on Homeland Security states that the State Department warning is significant because al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula is probably the biggest threat to the U.S. and are “ . . . the  faction of al Qaeda that still talks about hitting the West and hitting the homeland. And their expertise is chemical explosives, hitting the aviation sector, as we saw with the underwear bomber. So we are on a high state of alert.”

Let Tubularsock remind you about the underwear bomber (2009) because he seems to come up as the constant fear of the HOMELAND. He’s kind of like the Santa Clause of terror except he carries his presents in his shorts.

The NSA had “chatter” at the time about the underwear bomber but no real concrete information. The guy gets on Flight 253 in Amsterdam without a passport, with a oneway ticket he purchased in cash and with no luggage. (Now, who would suspect?)

It was the passengers and the flight crew that stopped him from his attempt to blow the plane up with a bomb style that had detonation issues. Not the NSA, the CIA, or the FBI.

Now, exactly how does reading your emails and listening in on your phone calls make the HOMELAND safer again? 

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