WE ALL NEED HELP!
Often Tubularsock finds himself, as a normal person, in a crazy world. So he seeks help. And when the Wild Turkey is gone and the pot supply is low and the wine just isn’t cutting it and the videos are just boring well Tubularsock seeks counsel. LONG LIVE PSYCHO-TUBE! (even if he does says so himself, and he does!)
RELIGIOUS FORNICATION AND BEYOND
Now today Tubularsock was in the process of cleaning his underground solar panels that provide off-grid power to Tubularsock’s top floor corner office of his underground bunker that overlooks Washington, D.C. from Oakland, CA when Tubularsock started to think about sex.
Now it is almost a proven fact that when you are in the process of cleaning, your mind wonders off to thoughts of sex. No really, it’s kind of scientific.
And maybe just the monotony of cleaning reminds one of the monotony of the “missionary-position” of sexual intercourse. No really, it’s kind of scientific.
Now if Tubularsock just thought of the hedonist’s position toward sexual intercourse, a voluptuary thought indeed, then that could be satisfactory. But no, Tubularsock’s thoughts penetrate to a deeper level. That of the role that religion plays within the sexual formula. No really, it’s kind of scientific.
Now, I know many of you are going to say, “There goes Tubularsock and his prurient interests again”. But no, Tubularsock is ONLY doing this for YOUR prurient interests because if you have not stopped reading this yet then you are wondering, where in the fuck is Tubularsock going with this? And really, Tubularsock knows that you too are interested in Tubularsock’s almost scientific pontifications.
Well sex and religion go together as well as gonorrhea and syphilis so to speak.
Religions have always been interested in sex ….. in THOUGHT and in DEED. No stone is left unturned here.
Every religious organization (Church, Synagogue, Temple, Mosque) have lessons in sex usually for those who are getting married. And sometimes instruction in celibacy for teen groups.
So because the fundamentalist religions are so voicetress about their views on sexural behavior in our society, Tubularsock will start with them.
The fundamentalist religions don’t want ANY fun in sex. Sex is a duty to produce more fundamentalists for the “flock” so that it increases. Much like chickens but not because according to the fundamentalist religions having sex with chickens is “a sin”!
ABORTION is “a sin” and against the WHITE MALE GOD LAW as well. But killing a child with a drone is fine because of “GOD’S WILL”.
And killing an entire village is a “A JUST WAR”.
Having sex before marriage is “a sin” according to the WHITE MALE GOD and so is teaching young adults “how babies are created” because it may stimulate an interest in sex.
Showing how to prevent pregnancy is NOT ACCEPTABLE because it may increase sexual activities among young unmarried adults who are without knowledge or foresight statistically having unprotected sex like rabbits which is “a sin” as is having sex with rabbits!
Do you see a pattern here?
Yet, the brain dead which make up the bulk of the fundamentalist religions say way more bull shit than any truth but they just keep repeating this shit which actually should be “a sin” but isn’t!
And to top this all off there are some who feel that demonic spirits can be transferred to you during sex and/or sexual activity. And to others, like Tubularsock, who thinks that that must be some great sex!
And then there are the Catholics.
Now the Catholics too want to be in control of the sexual activities of their followers and just about everything about sex is “a sin” including thinking about it!
The amazing thing here is that the teaching and direction of proper sexual behavior is directed by Priests or Nuns who have vowed NEVER to have sex and even worse never have had it!
Sex outside of marriage is “a sin” and can get you excommunicated but like many “sins” there are ways around that. Usually by money and prayer.
Once again the only sex that is considered acceptable is that which increases the “flock” and the more the merrier.
And the use of condoms are prohibited and is “a sin” because it prevents pregnancy which is the ONLY reason for sex and the logic goes that using a condom creates the possibility of sex for fun and pleasure ……. and we can’t have THAT!
And once again ABORTION is “a sin” and against the WHITE MALE GOD LAW. But killing a child with a drone is fine because of “GOD’S WILL”.
And killing an entire village is a “A JUST WAR”.
But the cool thing is Papal infallibility and that’s a neat little package that says when it comes to Church dogma the Pope in virtue of his supreme apostolic authority, (which is another way to say he was voted into Popehood) defines the doctrine concerning faith or morals to be held by the whole Church. Much like the buck starts here. And the Pope hasn’t had sex at all (in theory) so there you have it!
The Mormons almost take the cake when it comes to religion but only because it’s a “modern” day religion formulated by Joseph Smith in the 1830’s. A little late compared to other religions.
Some believe that Mormonism is a cult but Tubularsock still hasn’t figured out where a religion and a cult part company. Oh well.
Mormonism is just an upgrade religion using the same basic Christian stories but those stories were formed from the Book of Mormon which Joe said he transcribed from “. . . a buried book made of golden plates”. The angel Moroni revealed their location to Joe and he dug them up and worked out the translation.
Be that as it may, it is clear that when it came to sex it was only good for creating more offspring for the flock like the aforementioned religions but with a twist. In order to do that task multiply wives were needed so early Mormons believed in the sanctity of polygamy.
Sex out of marriage is not permitted which may have accounted for the most common name for patrons of motel sex being Mr. & Mrs. Smith. A fact, Tubularsock will leave to your imagination.
But true to form with the rest of the Christian Religions Mormonism believes that ABORTION is “a sin” and against the WHITE MALE GOD LAW. But killing a child with a drone is fine because of “GOD’S WILL”.
And killing an entire village is a “A JUST WAR”.
Now Protestantism in general is any of those European religions that broke away from the Catholic Church back in the day. And the Protestants disagree among themselves over all the silly little rules they each came up with but they all agree that sex is “a sin” unless in marriage and ABORTION is “a sin” and against the WHITE MALE GOD LAW. But killing a child with a drone is fine because of “GOD’S WILL”.
And killing an entire village is a “A JUST WAR”.
Now Tubularsock doesn’t really care what one believes. And Tubularsock doesn’t even mind religious minded people spinning their belief mantras and through example showing others why one should join their “flock”. That is all well and good.
What Tubularsock sees as an abomination is ANY group attempting to DICTATE how things should be and attempting to force it on to everybody else.
Believe what you will, practice it but DON’T force it onto others!
Now how fucking simple is that?
The force is you, use it wisely.
From a series of informed sources who are not authorized to speak on this issue but have nothing else to do today in the bloated government bureaucracy has presented an outline of the influence of the new Secretary Of The Inferior on the Obama Administration.*
The Tubularsock News Team has also sent our stealth photographer into the mix and has documented photographic evidence of all the rumor and innuendo.
As we like to say at the Tubularsock News Team break-room, “If a picture is worth a thousand words then this story is worth ten thousand words!”
Rather than be accused of conflict of interest we have turned our investigative journalism over to the tabloid, The New York Toast.
From the very beginning fear in the Administration was palpable. Could a “commoner” be able to bond with the elite?
Well, our inside sources all concurred that the new Secretary Of The Inferior fit like a hand in a glove.
The new Secretary Of The Inferior was asked by the press how he felt to be at the left hand of The President of the United States and he clearly stated, “no, the steak tartare please”.
The more comfortable the Secretary Of The Inferior became the more cautious distrust appeared within the West Wing. In fact, down right suspiciousness of his intentions were felt and cloaked in plutocratic innuendo.
This type of approach to an obvious “outsider” was lost on the Secretary who felt that they liked him. But he started to isolate himself in the President’s office.
That suspicious attitude became more prevalent within the President himself.
However the Secretary Of The Inferior and Michelle became more ……..
Say ………… ahh, shall we say “friendly”?
Not being sure of the Secretary Of The Inferior’s intentions Obama started to take him with him whenever he traveled.
And then one day the President and the Secretary Of The Inferior were scheduled to fly to the Asian Conference in Kuala Lumpur.
Now in any Presidential Administration lots of stuff gets stolen. Paper clips, ball point pens, computers, ground-keeper tools, ballistic missiles, large sums of cash, larger sums of cash, cash of larger sums than that and one’s integrity.
The biggest surprise is that anyone noticed.
Immediately Congress formed two committees, one in the House and one in the Senate. Each committee member and staff took it upon themselves to fly to Kuala Lumpur to see where Air Force One should have landed if it hadn’t been stolen.
It was verified that there was NO, they repeated NO, Air Force One on any golf course in Kuala Lumpur.
Senator John McCain was unable to say, “The terrorist have been part of this Obama Administration for some time and the Ukrainian people need all ….. no, I mean Palestine has to be considered ….. no, I mean …”
The CIA, NSA, DIA, NGA, NRO, AFISRA, MI, MCIA, ONI, OICI, I&A, CGI, FB/NSB, DEA/ONSI, INR, and the TFI were all called into service but many of them were out of the office so a message was left with their respective receptionists. **
All of these agencies work separately and together to conduct intelligence activities and are under the I.C. which is headed by the DNI, who reports to the President.**
The FBI, DOS, DSS, IRS-CID, TIGTA, USMP, DOD, DCIS, CID, OSI, NCIS, DOJ, ATF, USDI, USDA, DOC, HHS, DHS, USCG, FPS, CGPD, CBP, ICE, USSS, SPS,USCP, USPIS were also all put on the case. **
It appears that the USPIS (United States Postal Inspection Service) may have not been necessary however Senator Diane Feinstein insisted that it was not because her husband was well invested in post offices that the agency must play a role. It was because of “. . . her keen concern to protect every woman and child of this great land”.
As Senator Feinstein did not say, “That plane could have been easily packed up in a pre-postage-paid-priority-mail-express-package and shipped to the Russians for all we know!”
As a result over seventeen million dollars will be allocated to throughly inspect ALL the P.O.Boxes in every post office within the United States.
Representative Robert Fuckoff (R) Ohio demanded that for national security concerns he would pursue drafting a bill to create an inspection team to investigate all “general delivery” windows of every post office in the United States.
During an impromptu stop over at the employee’s break room at Postal Inspection, Inc. Rep. Fuckoff stated, “This twenty-seven million dollar allocation bill will ensure that inspections would be conducted on all “general delivery” locations. What better way is there to protect our citizens from terrorists who want to harm our home-land?”
When the maimed-stream media asked about the rumor that his family was involved in Postal Inspection, Inc. Representative Fuckoff stated, “Those accusations have been made before!”
……………………………………………
A Special Blue Ribbon Committee was appointed immediately if not sooner by the President to “investigate the disappearance of Air Force One and The Secretary Of The Inferior” and to report back to him. The President insisted that the Committee’s work would be totally transparent and would be held in secret for national security reasons.
The maimed-stream media didn’t pursue the definition of transparent assuming the President is a Constitutional Scholar and knew the definition better than they.
Congress announced that it will immediately take up the issue of funding the Special Blue Ribbon Committee as soon as they return from their inter-session break and before their fall break. This leaves “. . . a corridor of six full hours” stated Senator DipStick (D) from Louisiana.
First there were the sightings.
(UPI) “They were ALL there”, said Jimmy Insano from DelRio, Texas. “Right out in front of the Dairy Queen! Elvis, bin Laden, Kennedy and the Secretary Of The Inferior!”
“I didn’t see no plane or anything like that …… but I didn’t go in the Dairy Queen. Sure, it could have been in there.”
The heat in DelRio at times reaches 135 degrees in the shade.
(The Sun, UK) “The chances of Air Force One being snatched from the sky by an alien space craft isn’t as far fetched as it may appear” says Jay Jay Johnson. “There have been sightings recently as far away as Denver”, he continued. “Space IS the final frontier, you know, and if and I’m saying IF, The Secretary Of The Inferior had been sent with a message to give to extraterrestrials, then why not?” Jay Jay Johnson concluded.
(New York Times) It was reported today that the Malaysian Government was asked by President Obama to assist in the tracking of the missing Air Force One. Critics say this new development has created perhaps a “hint” that the President isn’t sincere about finding the Secretary Of The Inferior.
President Obama’s new Press Secretary Josh Earnest, stated at todays news briefing that “. . . he was earnest that the President was earnest about the search for Air Force One as well as The Secretary Of The Inferior”.
This confused the White House Press Corp because they thought the President was not Earnest because Josh Earnest was Earnest. And Josh Earnest stated that he was earnest and the President was earnest as well. The White House Press Corp reiterated that Earnest was Earnest and Earnest was not Obama.
After forty-five minutes the Earnest – earnest conundrum was tabled until a later date.
(FOX News) Donald Rumsfeld was asked to comment on the incident and stated: “we know, there are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”
And he continued, “The missing Secretary Of The Inferior is the ultimate in unknown unknowns, if you ask me.”
And of course, Dick Cheney was asked for comments on this new international mystery but was unable to make it to the interview because he had “left his heart in San Francisco” and hadn’t noticed until his flight was over Wisconsin. Which at that point had to turn his flight back to the West Coast.
footnotes:
* To catch up with The Secretary Of The Inferior refer back to: blog post, NEW EMPLOYMENT, NEW ECONOMY.
** Those are all investigating agencies of the United States Government. Tubularsock doesn’t have time to make that much shit up!
All photographs may look like they have been altered in some way. They have NOT! However they are a different angle from the original photo.
Photography is in the eye of the beholder.
Christmas Employment Scam Or Miracle?
The Associated Press should have reported that a part time employee of the Vatican has somehow maneuvered his way to possibly a full time position. After meeting in a secret Conclave with the Cardinals and blowing white smoke up their, ahh ……..
“It is truly a Christmas Miracle” said a Cardinal who is familiar with the Conclave apparatus and who asked not to be identified because of his Vatican security clearance.
TIME Magazine has reported that some very fast adaptations had to be performed to keep abreast with the fluidity of the current series of events.
According to TMZ’s celebrity gossip they should have reported that a miracle has been performed and TIME had to adopted quickly.
Here at TUBULARSOCK, “. . . first hand coverage, second hand news” we were reluctant to get too involved because of the appearance of a conflict of interest. But the editor finally said, “fuck that! … news is news whether all the facts are lined up like ducks or not.
And like some guy said once, “The message is that there are no “knowns.” There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say there are things that we now know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we do not know we don’t know.”
That being said, TUBULARSOCK, “. . . first hand coverage, second hand news” stands by all the known knowns information AND A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS! And two pictures are worth ……… you do the math!
Some have indicated that there may be some type of meaning between the two TIME covers. A CIA analyst contacted by news organizations who has access to top secret information on the issue who wishes to remain anonymous because she has not been authorized to say anything about anything has indicated that there has been absolutely no photo manipulation what-so-ever. “Everything appears to be on the up and up but Langley feels that there may be some Iranian influence or perhaps a Syrian chemical weapons link to this entire episode. The carpet bombing of the Vatican has not been removed from the table”, she stated from a secure phone from Virginia.
For sure ……….. you have heard it FIRST from TUBULARSOCK, “. . . first hand coverage, second hand news.”
Oh sure. The economy is in an upswing.
The job numbers show signs of improvement.
Sure they do ………..
Well everything’s a trick when it comes to government figures.
You see there are more people going back to work because the job numbers reflect the government workers, that were put on furlough during the shut-down, that are now back at work. Now, that’s sly.
And there is an influx of part time holiday workers that have gotten jobs to fight off the Black Friday onslaught so those jobs are counted in the job numbers.
And of course people that stop looking for work aren’t counted at all. But nobody counts them! There could be six people or five million but if nobody counts them then the numbers look better on that new employment graph.
Wow. Tubularsock has gotten off track again. All Tubularsock wanted to do was explain HIS process in getting a job over the Christmas part time employment spike.
And Tubularsock will admit right here that for many of you you really couldn’t do the job that Tubularsock has been hired to do because of Tubularsock’s stellar abilities.
Now, trust me. This is not bravado this is just the TRUTH as Tubularsock see it!
But what is important to you is that Tubularsock will lead you through the rough terrain of finding a job over the holiday season.
Now with the many jobs that are offered you’ll find that you are overqualified if you know how to read and write English and if you expect to be paid. I know that is discouraging but stay tough!
Now don’t sell out! Tubularsock went for what he was qualified to do and pushed forward even when the odds would appear totally against him. Staying true to your calling will land you the job you can do best. It worked for Tubularsock!
Now there was the “Three Wise Men” job. First, Tubularsock noted that that job would spread himself rather thin. Not to mention being only paid as one wise man doing three wise men’s work. Fuck that! And second, perhaps it would have been alright if it had been a “Three Yes Men” job but Tube said NO!
And of course the standard “Santa Gig” job. Now I ask you …….. really? A job where you dress up as a fat old man and let children sit in your lap for extended periods of time while they are screaming and tears running down their little faces …….. HO, HO, HO.
They just couldn’t pay Tube enough!
And then there was the “Baby in the Manger” job. A great job because you get to sleep for long periods of time. Much like the job in that cubical you had last year except a manger is a long low trough which is so much better to stretch out in. The only drawback is the persistent hymning of the neon halo. Tube turned it down in part because the neon halo ran interference with Tubularsock’s natural halo …….. you should be so lucky!
So things were looking pretty glum for Tubularsock in his quest for the perfect part time job during Christmas but then this poster appeared on a telephone pole near Tubularsock’s underground bunker:
Now you have to admit as well as you know Tubularsock that he was a shoe-in for this job. Just his infallibility alone put him over the top! And yes, if you get a chance to visit the Vatican this Christmas Season
do drop by his offices for a visit and just ask for TubePope …….. Dio e Tubularsock sono uno! Basta inviare contanti!
Tubularsock 