Archive for the ‘Jon Stewart’ Category

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From a series of informed sources who are not authorized to speak on this issue but have nothing else to do today in the bloated government bureaucracy has presented an outline of the influence of the new Secretary Of The Inferior on the Obama Administration.*

The Tubularsock News Team has also sent our stealth photographer into the mix and has documented photographic evidence of all the rumor and innuendo.

As we like to say at the Tubularsock News Team break-room, “If a picture is worth a thousand words then this story is worth ten thousand words!”

Rather than be accused of conflict of interest we have turned our investigative journalism over to the tabloid, The New York Toast.

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From the very beginning fear in the Administration was palpable. Could a “commoner” be able to bond with the elite?

Well, our inside sources all concurred that the new Secretary Of The Inferior fit like a hand in a glove.

Lunch

The new Secretary Of The Inferior was asked by the press how he felt to be at the left hand of The President of the United States and he clearly stated, “no, the steak tartare please”.

The more comfortable the Secretary Of The Inferior became the more cautious distrust  appeared within the West Wing. In fact, down right suspiciousness of his intentions were felt and cloaked in plutocratic innuendo.

This type of approach to an obvious “outsider” was lost on the Secretary who felt that they liked him. But he started to isolate himself in the President’s office.

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That suspicious attitude became more prevalent within the President himself.

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However the Secretary Of The Inferior and Michelle became more ……..

Say ………… ahh, shall we say “friendly”?

Not being sure of the Secretary Of The Inferior’s intentions Obama started to take him with him whenever he traveled.

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Plane Wave

And then one day the President and the Secretary Of The Inferior were scheduled to fly to the Asian Conference in Kuala Lumpur.

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Stolen

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Now in any Presidential Administration lots of stuff gets stolen. Paper clips, ball point pens, computers, ground-keeper tools, ballistic missiles, large sums of cash, larger sums of cash, cash of larger sums than that and one’s integrity.

The biggest surprise is that anyone noticed.

Immediately Congress formed two committees, one in the House and one in the Senate. Each committee member and staff took it upon themselves to fly to Kuala Lumpur to see where Air Force One should have landed if it hadn’t been stolen.

It was verified that there was NO, they repeated NO, Air Force One on any golf course in Kuala Lumpur.

Senator John McCain was unable to say, “The terrorist have been part of this Obama Administration for some time and the Ukrainian people need all ….. no, I mean Palestine has to be considered ….. no, I mean  …”

The CIA, NSA, DIA, NGA, NRO, AFISRA, MI, MCIA, ONI, OICI, I&A, CGI, FB/NSB, DEA/ONSI, INR, and the TFI were all called into service but many of them were out of the office so a message was left with their respective receptionists. **

All of these agencies work separately and together to conduct intelligence activities and are under the I.C. which is headed by the DNI, who reports to the President.**

The FBI, DOS, DSS, IRS-CID, TIGTA, USMP, DOD, DCIS, CID, OSI, NCIS, DOJ, ATF, USDI, USDA, DOC, HHS, DHS, USCG, FPS, CGPD, CBP, ICE, USSS, SPS,USCP, USPIS were also all put on the case. **

It appears that the USPIS (United States Postal Inspection Service) may have not been necessary however Senator Diane Feinstein insisted that it was not because her husband was well invested in post offices that the agency must play a role. It was because of “. . . her keen concern to protect every woman and child of this great land”.

As Senator Feinstein did not say, “That plane could have been easily packed up in a pre-postage-paid-priority-mail-express-package and shipped to the Russians for all we know!”

As a result over seventeen million dollars will be allocated to throughly inspect ALL the P.O.Boxes in every post office within the United States.

Representative Robert Fuckoff (R) Ohio demanded that for national security concerns he would pursue drafting a bill to create an inspection team to investigate all “general delivery” windows of every post office in the United States.

During an impromptu stop over at the employee’s break room at Postal Inspection, Inc. Rep. Fuckoff stated, “This twenty-seven million dollar allocation bill will ensure that inspections would be conducted on all “general delivery” locations. What better way is there to protect our citizens from terrorists who want to harm our home-land?” 

When the maimed-stream media asked about the rumor that his family was involved in Postal Inspection, Inc. Representative Fuckoff stated, “Those accusations have been made before!” 

……………………………………………

A Special Blue Ribbon Committee was appointed immediately if not sooner by the President to “investigate the disappearance of Air Force One and The Secretary Of The Inferior” and to report back to him. The President insisted that the Committee’s work would be totally transparent and would be held in secret for national security reasons.

The maimed-stream media didn’t pursue the definition of transparent assuming the President is a Constitutional Scholar and knew the definition better than they.

Congress announced that it will immediately take up the issue of funding the Special Blue Ribbon Committee as soon as they return from their inter-session break and before their fall break. This leaves “. . . a corridor of six full hours” stated Senator DipStick (D) from Louisiana. 

Conspiracy

First there were the sightings.

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(UPI) “They were ALL there”, said Jimmy Insano from DelRio, Texas. “Right out in front of the Dairy Queen! Elvis, bin Laden, Kennedy and the Secretary Of The Inferior!

“I didn’t see no plane or anything like that …… but I didn’t go in the Dairy Queen. Sure, it could have been in there.”

 The heat in DelRio at times reaches 135 degrees in the shade.

(The Sun, UK) “The chances of Air Force One being snatched from the sky by an alien space craft isn’t as far fetched as it may appear” says Jay Jay Johnson. “There have been sightings recently as far away as Denver”, he continued. “Space IS the final frontier, you know, and if and I’m saying IF, The Secretary Of The Inferior had been sent with a message to give to extraterrestrials, then why not?” Jay Jay Johnson concluded.

(New York Times) It was reported today that the Malaysian Government was asked by President Obama to assist in the tracking of the missing Air Force One. Critics say this new development has created perhaps a “hint” that the President isn’t sincere about finding the Secretary Of The Inferior.

President Obama’s new Press Secretary Josh Earnest, stated at todays news briefing that “. . . he was earnest that the President was earnest about the search for Air Force One as well as The Secretary Of The Inferior”.

This confused the White House Press Corp because they thought the President was not Earnest because Josh Earnest was Earnest. And Josh Earnest stated that he was earnest and the President was earnest as well. The White House Press Corp reiterated that Earnest was Earnest and Earnest was not Obama.

After forty-five minutes the Earnest – earnest conundrum was tabled until a later date.

(FOX News) Donald Rumsfeld was asked to comment on the incident and stated: “we know, there are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

And he continued, “The missing Secretary Of The Inferior is the ultimate in unknown unknowns, if you ask me.”

And of course, Dick Cheney was asked for comments on this new international mystery but was unable to make it to the interview because he had “left his heart in San Francisco” and hadn’t noticed until his flight was over Wisconsin. Which at that point had to turn his flight back to the West Coast.

 

 

 

Mystery

 

 

 

footnotes:

* To catch up with The Secretary Of The Inferior refer back to: blog post, NEW EMPLOYMENT, NEW ECONOMY.

** Those are all investigating agencies of the United States Government. Tubularsock doesn’t have time to make that much shit up!

All photographs may look like they have been altered in some way. They have NOT! However they are a different angle from the original photo.

Photography is in the eye of the beholder.

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Tubularsock isn’t going to fuck around with this  ……….. here it is ……….. I watched the Jan. 8th Daily Show with Jon Stewart and it blew me away. I hadn’t watched him much because he has become so corporate and this show points it out once again. He did this hard core presentation on gun violence which had several funny and poignant points. The main gist being that assault weapons must be reigned in from public use to avoid these mass killings.

He then put down the “lunatic fringe” for the position that their guns are needed to protect themselves from the “government” itself. Like that isn’t a real possiblilty.

Tubularsock finds that if you look at the Patriot Act that our representatives  “technically” are supposed to protect the public interest signed into law several times and add to it the fact that the government can spy on your phone calls and emails and then add to that the ability of the President of the United States (or his representatives) having the authority to kill or detain a citizen and hold them in secret detention forever without any legal recourse for the individual, well who’s the lunatic, Jon?

And here is the best part. The second segment of Stewart’s show was an interview with a true lunatic himself, General Stanley McChrystal. A true war criminal if we ever had one but now we have him murdering minds at Yale and pimping his book on the Daily Show.

And of course Corporate-Jon is right there with him asking his opinion on gun violence.

Wow. That is rich. A man who would gut a child and torture a women and kill a family with his Special- Forces-mentality is ask about gun violence!

It is a sad commentary on “American Values” if we had any. We don’t!

Now roll all that in a ball and save it so you have room for this next bit of toxic information.

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The new film, Zero Dark Thirty, which has just been released fictionalizes the killing of bin Laden. It pushes the issue that it was done by torturing which helped to get his location. It’s out and running, grab your fucking flag and see how it wasn’t done!

It’s an apologist film by the CIA helping to rewrite history in a way to convince the American public that torture is “sometimes” necessary and that those who torture really aren’t sick, perverted psychopaths but true heroes just saving America which in reality may be one and the same thing.

The film representatives defend the torture fiction saying, “it’s only a movie” and the public can decipher fiction from fact.

Please explain THAT to all those people in this country that still believe that Iraq had something to do with 911.

Give Tubularsock a break here, will yah!

Now Tubularsock could have saved Columbia Pictures a huge sum of money if only they would have just bought Tube’s Cliff-Note-Movie Version of the killing of bin Laden.

It goes like this:

WARNING: This is the true version of the killing of bin Laden.

A bunch of heavily armed young trained animal-minded-Special-Forces with helicopters and night-vision-goggles land in the yard of a house in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

They all jump out and shoot their way to the third floor of the house with pretty much no resistance.

They burst into a bedroom and blow away an old man in his pajamas watching porn.

Quickly they all start masturbating on the American flag at the sight of their heroism.   

They take the old man’s riddled and bloody body and (this is the fictional part) washed it with the kindness of a mother’s love, wrapped the now clean, bullet riddled shiny body in a clean and well pressed white sheet (which the Seals always carry for these occasions) and then covering the body with great respect in order to conform with Islamic tradition of covering a dead body carried it lovingly and respectfully into their helicopter.

Once the body of bin Laden was lovingly placed in the helicopter they then grab all the porn tapes they could carry and rushed back to their helicopter and flew out of town. Later dumping the body (this is another fictional part) in a very respectful way into the ocean.

Mission completed they fly back to their unknown location thinking themselves as heroes and calling themselves DEVGRU which is another name for Seal Team 6 because they can’t count higher than that number.

The End

Now that bin Laden is dead this time or maybe last time or perhaps the time before that because … bin … has been reported dead several times before this time that he’s dead.

America broke out in joyous revelry knowing that all al Qaeda would disband and turn in their jehad. Wow. Isn’t it just great. And for a Black President too. It may have been the first time in recorded history that a Black man killed a Brown man for the good of the White man. Isn’t America great?

Now roll all that in a ball and save it so you have room for this last bit of toxic information.

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With all the killing that America does around the world it is very difficult for the American public to understand why gun violence in this country is so rampant.

But, thank the Gods that, Tubularsock can clear that up for you in an easy example that, of course, you’ll agree with because it is as clear as the nose on your face.

And it goes like this:

What is the difference between what Adam Lanza did at Sandy Hook Elementary

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and what this U.S. Marine does every day?

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SIMPLE!

The U.S. Marine gets a medal for it.

Now you see how easy the truth is when you look at it honestly.

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